Rejection hurts, but the story you add can hurt more

There’s a certain kind of sting that comes with rejection.

You see the message from someone you liked saying they don’t want another date. You find out you didn’t get that job you really wanted. Or perhaps you realise you haven't been invited to something that other people you know are going to.

Humans are social creatures, and being accepted and included matters to us. One influential theory in psychology suggests that our self-esteem partly acts like a monitor for how accepted or valued we feel by other people. So when we experience rejection, it can very quickly become personal. That’s when “they didn’t choose me” can turn into “there must be something wrong with me”. And if rejection touches something you already worry about, it might hit you even harder. Research suggests that some people are more likely to expect rejection, notice when it is happening to them, and react strongly to it.

So if rejection sends your mind into overdrive, you can try getting curious about exactly what has been triggered. Ask yourself "what am I making this rejection mean about me?". Perhaps the date who didn’t want to meet again has suddenly become evidence to you that you’re not attractive enough. Not being invited means nobody really likes you. Missing out on a job opportunity means you’re not as capable as you thought.

Then ask yourself how much you actually know. You might know that somebody didn’t want another date, but you probably don’t know everything that went into their decision. You know you didn’t get the job, but unless you’ve been given clear feedback, you don’t necessarily know why. Our minds don’t particularly like unanswered questions, so we might fill in the gaps ourselves. And if the rejection has already touched a part of us that we feel insecure about, we might think the worst and make that the explanation. 

That doesn’t mean dismissing useful feedback. If there’s something you can learn from what happened, take it. Just be careful not to turn an assumption into a fact and then use it as evidence against yourself. And give yourself a little time to feel your feelings and be disappointed too. You don’t need to immediately talk yourself into being positive about something and push the hurt away. You can just acknowledge that this is difficult without adding self-criticism on top.

If you notice that rejection repeatedly brings up the same thought, such as “I’m not enough”, “people always leave”, “nobody really wants me”, it might be worth paying more attention to it. The rejection might be new, but the belief it has touched could be much older. And that's where going deeper into where this came from could help you manage it better.